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A Purpose? I Think Not

Tomorrow's Self Harmer's Awareness Day. I'll be wearing orange since I don't have a orange ribbon or anything. It's important to me. Not as a self-harmer myself but as someone who knows that society writes off self harming as a cry for attention. And I don't agree with society at all.

So I've been feeling really shitty. I got my "friend" today so the cramps are coming in waves. My right hand hurts because I tried a salt and ice burn. I'm starting to believe it really is just frostbite. And of course I'm pissed off. It's just disappointment after disappointment. Failure after failure. And I'm tired of it. I'm trying here. Like really. But I can't. I want to knock the shit out of my stepmother because I think she's a little fake. I want to tell my father to actually be a dad to me. And I want to kill that stupid freaking baby. But no, I'm not suppose to feel that way. Of course not. I deal with the shit they hand me and I'm not suppose to expect anything at all.

And I've been feeling so self concious. I look at myself and I think "what the fuck?" or "The only thing pretty about me are these scars". There is nothing special about me? My mind is worth shit. I have barely any creativity. My personality is disgusting. What fucking good am I? Maybe it would be better if I disappeared. It's not like anyone would actually care. They'd pretend and then continue life.

I fucking hate myself.