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Killing Me

it hurts. it hurts so much. why does my heart hurt so much?
I can't do this. I can't! Someone please help me.
The tears won't stop coming.
I want to scream
I want to do something
Why does it hurt so fucking MUCH?



I'm pissed off that people keep stereotyping me. Because I'm depressed and what not, I'm labeled emo. What the fuck? First off, I have nothing against emo kids. I'm just not one of them. I may cut and I may do whatever else but I am not emo. I love dark colors because bright ones piss me off. Except white and yellow. I don't necessarily just listen to rock. Just because the shit most people listen to of my race is hip-hip or rap doesn't mean I'll fall into that cliche. I'm an open person. I listen to pretty much anything. I cut my hair so I can grow it out like Zexion's (Kingdom Hearts character) because his hair is for the win. I don't like going out. I'd rather be inside with a well written book then deal with the idiotic shit we call society.

I know there is something wrong with me. My life hasn't been the greatest. I understand there are other people's lives that are a hell of a lot worse than my own. But that doesn't make the bullshit I go through any less important than the rest of humanity.

So excuse me if I don't like people trying to say something I'm not. Especially when my life has been full of people labelling me. And because of those fucking labels, I get to experience the worst type of lonely any human fears. So fuck you for labelling and fuck me for allowing you to.


I Love You (More Than Forever and a Day)

Sometimes if I listen close enough
I can hear you breathing
But then I realize it was just a trick
My imagination going crazy
And there are times when I see you
Only a couple of steps away from me
Smiling that cute boyish smile
Then I blink and you're gone
It makes me so sad

I miss you more than ever
I wonder how you're doing and where you are
If only I had taken the chance to say
I love you more than forever and a day

My heart is beating
And yet I don't know what to feel
You are fleeting from me
I can't help but reach out
And there are times when I wish that
You would stop appearing in my mind
Smiling that cute boyish smile
And when I dream, you're there
It makes me so sad

I miss you more than ever
I wonder how you're doing and where you are
If only I had taken the chance to say
I love you more than forever and a day

If I could I would
Tell you everything my heart holds
If I could I would
Hold you close and never let you go

I miss you more than ever
I wonder how you're doing and where you are
If only I had taken the chance to say
I love you more than forever and a day

Yeah You did Good Today

My eyes were closed
And my heart couldn't believe
Just how much pain was being inflicted
I stumbled and tripped
To please your very whims
But it took the light to blare itself
Behind my eyelids
For me to truly see
This is not the life I want to live
Being a soldier
Following your orders
Doing everything I know is wrong
Killing my mind
Just to hear you say
"Yeah you did good today"
Your shallow praises aren't enough anymore
The lies I fed myself won't controll me
When I finally opened my eyes
And my heart began to believe
I told myself over and over
"Yeah you did good today"


A Purpose? I Think Not

Tomorrow's Self Harmer's Awareness Day. I'll be wearing orange since I don't have a orange ribbon or anything. It's important to me. Not as a self-harmer myself but as someone who knows that society writes off self harming as a cry for attention. And I don't agree with society at all.

So I've been feeling really shitty. I got my "friend" today so the cramps are coming in waves. My right hand hurts because I tried a salt and ice burn. I'm starting to believe it really is just frostbite. And of course I'm pissed off. It's just disappointment after disappointment. Failure after failure. And I'm tired of it. I'm trying here. Like really. But I can't. I want to knock the shit out of my stepmother because I think she's a little fake. I want to tell my father to actually be a dad to me. And I want to kill that stupid freaking baby. But no, I'm not suppose to feel that way. Of course not. I deal with the shit they hand me and I'm not suppose to expect anything at all.

And I've been feeling so self concious. I look at myself and I think "what the fuck?" or "The only thing pretty about me are these scars". There is nothing special about me? My mind is worth shit. I have barely any creativity. My personality is disgusting. What fucking good am I? Maybe it would be better if I disappeared. It's not like anyone would actually care. They'd pretend and then continue life.

I fucking hate myself.



So I fucked up. And like bad. I pretty much found my razor had fun with my skin. I tried to avoid places that would be noticeable but of course I felt daring and left some shallow cuts on my arms. And it's funny because I know, as soon as I go to bed, I'm going to do it again. Of course it's going to feel so fucking good.  

I love this state I'm in. Misery just loves me.




Once again, I got hurt. And by who? By the bastard who I thought would be different from my mother. Guess I was wrong. And I thought, truly and honestly, that he wouldn't do the same thing my mother did. That he'd be the better parent. And for a split second it seemed that way. But now I know that's fake. My mother only wants me to control me and my father wants nothing to do with me. And that hurts more than anything. To know the people you hold highest in your life could give a shit about how you feel or what you think. Because it's all about them. It's all about pleasing them.
I didn't think I was asking too much to just think about how I feel at times. But once again I was wrong. I feel so sick. Like I just got beat down again. And I don't want to continue on like this. I can't. It's too much. I thought I could control how things are but I can't. I'm alone. And it hurt.


Fuck I suck so much.


Writer's Block: Jackpot

If you won the lottery, what would you do with your newfound riches?
Give half of it to actual charities and then the other half I'd save it so I can make enough money to actually be able to supply a private zoo.

Happy Valentines/Black Hearts Day

So today is the day couples act lovey dovey and have those traditional Hallmark smiles on their face. Today is the day when those in love will take the plunge to show their significant someones that they do care. It's either rejection or acceptance. Today is the day for those who yearn for love pray for a miracle to happen. Today is the day non believers scorn such a holiday. Such a small and insignificant holiday and yet everyone around the world celebrates it.

And I HATE today. It just reminds me of how much my life is bullshit. Just piles and piles of bullshit. I detest Valentine's day. I feel even more fucked up during this time. Lets also not add on the fact that my stepmother is acting way bitchier than usual and my dad all of a sudden wants to get all affectionate with me. I don't like it.

I'm a fucked a person. And I know I do not deserve any goodness in my life. Horrible little screw up. Horrible.

Sickness Scare

So I went to the doctor's yesterday about the pain in my stomach and the "rash" on my lower areas. The doctor thinks that I may have appendicitis. I have pain in my lower stomach and it's in the area of the appendix. The only thing that negate that I might have appendicitis is that I wasn't puking up every thing I ate. I have a CAT scan tomorrow to see what's going on. I hope it's nothing too serious. That would mean I need to have surgery. I don't want surgery but if I have to get it, I'll get it. Crap, I hate feeling like this.