Tomorrow's Self Harmer's Awareness Day. I'll be wearing orange since I don't have a orange ribbon or anything. It's important to me. Not as a self-harmer myself but as someone who knows that society writes off self harming as a cry for attention. And I don't agree with society at all.

So I've been feeling really shitty. I got my "friend" today so the cramps are coming in waves. My right hand hurts because I tried a salt and ice burn. I'm starting to believe it really is just frostbite. And of course I'm pissed off. It's just disappointment after disappointment. Failure after failure. And I'm tired of it. I'm trying here. Like really. But I can't. I want to knock the shit out of my stepmother because I think she's a little fake. I want to tell my father to actually be a dad to me. And I want to kill that stupid freaking baby. But no, I'm not suppose to feel that way. Of course not. I deal with the shit they hand me and I'm not suppose to expect anything at all.

Once again, I got hurt. And by who? By the bastard who I thought would be different from my mother. Guess I was wrong. And I thought, truly and honestly, that he wouldn't do the same thing my mother did. That he'd be the better parent. And for a split second it seemed that way. But now I know that's fake. My mother only wants me to control me and my father wants nothing to do with me. And that hurts more than anything. To know the people you hold highest in your life could give a shit about how you feel or what you think. Because it's all about them. It's all about pleasing them.
 
I didn't think I was asking too much to just think about how I feel at times. But once again I was wrong. I feel so sick. Like I just got beat down again. And I don't want to continue on like this. I can't. It's too much. I thought I could control how things are but I can't. I'm alone. And it hurt.

Fuck I suck so much.

So I went to the doctor's yesterday about the pain in my stomach and the "rash" on my lower areas. The doctor thinks that I may have appendicitis. I have pain in my lower stomach and it's in the area of the appendix. The only thing that negate that I might have appendicitis is that I wasn't puking up every thing I ate. I have a CAT scan tomorrow to see what's going on. I hope it's nothing too serious. That would mean I need to have surgery. I don't want surgery but if I have to get it, I'll get it. Crap, I hate feeling like this.

Ok, I had like a small epiphany moment. I'm a big yaoi fan and of course as a yaoi fangirl I tend to act like a ditz but am seriously devoted to what I enjoy. So anyway, I'm reading this fanfiction on Kingdom Hearts. It's very...kinky if I must say so and totally awesome. It totally strokes my anti-Kairi ego to the point where I'm practically rolling in joy on the inside. But wait, that wasn't the epiphany. I was thinking about name meanings. You know, Sora, Riku and even Kairi. Sora means sky. Riku means land. Kairi means the sea (taken from the hawaiian word Kai which does mean sea). But it doesn't stop there. If you look at their eyes, it completely corresponds. Sora's eyes are blue to match the sky at night. Riku's eyes are a bright green which match a meadow of grass on land. Kairi's eyes are also blue which match the color of the sea when the light reflects off it. Which is funny cause it all fits. Which is why I adore the sky and land. I wonder though. Now that it's popped into my head. If there was no land, would the sea and sky be well off?  Ah! It's crap like that man. And then it makes me anti-Kairi even more! I'll say it once more. At LEAST Namine has point. Kairi, yeah no.

~Death~

So my friend and I were laughing about "Good news vs. Bad news" as opposed to people just saying "I have news" to others. We mused over why there was good news and bad news. Out of that musing came this retarded joke with the Geico commercials. Now, it was hilarious because we came up with different versions but this one had us both practically hacking from laughing too much in the snow.

Me: Hey! I have good news and bad news.
Friend: And?
Me: The good news is( at least for me)....I just saved abunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico!
Friend: And the bad news?
Me: I stole your car!
Friend: But...I don't have car.
Me:Oh....well whose car did I steal?

You had to listen to us act it out. It was freaking hilarious. Best part of the day.

I haven't given up
Just found a new purpose to life
At least the way I want it to be
Living recklessly free
And maybe searching for what's been stolen from me
Yeah, a night of crying would do that to you.

I christened my school now with my blood. I couldn't take it anymore and so I took a razor and went to the bathroom. My pants were stinging after two minutes. Bled through my jeans. No one noticed and I'm so glad. Thanks giving sucked and I hate my life. Suicide never looked so good.

I really want to create a cosplay group. Sadly, all the people I know don't cosplay or they don't watch anime. It really sucks. Sucks even more that I don't have a camera to tape my adventures nor do I have a costume to cosplay! It would be really cool to meet someone who can create costumes. Ah but that's a fairytale dream. I really wish I could meet someone people who love anime/manga/games/yaoi as much as I do.

GO BACK ALLEY DEMONS!

I have finally found the recipe to what I have wanted to try since forever. As a big fan of Kingdom Hearts, I have always wondered if they would ever make such a thing as sea salt ice cream. Low and behold, two years after the game came out in the U.S., I have found the recipe. I shall make this awesome ice cream without a bloody ice cream maker because it'll be hella interesting. I heard it taste reall tangy. And I think that is awesome. They really should make it commerical so we can actually buy the ice cream. But we're America. A little slow on everything. But that's alright. Tomorrow or should I say later on today, I will buy the rest of the things I need and then I shall epically make such a delicious treat. Too bad none of the people I know here (besides the weirdos who call me Zexion) know about Kingdom Hearts. It would be really cool to invite them over for some delish sea salt ice cream. Oh well.

And damn me! I totally just screwed up my keyboard. The E key popped off so I'm going to have to glue it back. God I hate it when other people use my laptop. They always manage to screw with the keys. It's really gay now. I need a new one.

Dear Angst,

I hate you. Hate you so damn much. Why? Oh I'll tell you why.  This so called "family" sucks. I want them to burn. Not even Dante's Inferno could match how much I despise this place. But I'll deal with it because I have plans and don't feel like altering them anymore than I have to. My father is in essence, a dick. He's so selfish. No I'm sorry I take that back. He only cares for himself and his new family. Me, I'm just his insane child he wants practically nothing to do with. It's funny how he acts like he can be a father just not to me. He tries to make it seem like I'm here because he wants me here and I know it's a lie. As I've said before, I leave one cage only to move into another. I'm an animal to them. A animal that could screw over their image. Boy we wouldn't want that. No of course not. That's all everyone has in the world. Their damned image. So he took me in to try and save face.

I'm being nice to my stepmother. I'm doing my best not to snap at her or lose my mind. It's probably easier than trying to scratch her eyes out. I feel accomplished that I've been able to hold myself up even though everytime she even opens her mouth to talk to me, I feel like snapping at her or growling at her to screw off. Damn...I am an animal.

And then lets get to the fact a guy, who has barely known me for three months, tried to kiss me. Luckily or unlucky as I usually am, he only got the side of my mouth. And then he tried to blame him nearly kissing me my fault. If someone has you trapped in their arms, wouldn't you fight to get out of their hold? It's obvious he really likes me but I don't like him like that. All of this because he wanted "revenge" for me kissing him on the cheek (both times with heavy lipgloss) and not allowing him to hug me. It's disgusting. I nearly cried. It wasn't for the fact he was trying to kiss me, hell everyone tries to do that. But if he had kissed me, he'd have stole my first kiss and I'll be damned if even that experience isn't to my liking. I don't know what to do. He likes to touch me and I keep telling him no. Boys drive me up the wall and over the fence.

I love dillusions. They make life oh so much wonderful. And now I'm lying since I got caught. Ya know. Totally forgot to cover up my arms in the morning. My dad saw and he freaked out. Grabbed my arm and practically squeezed it. I'm glad he didn't see my legs or he'd have kicked me out the house. So I'm going to get over the fact that my dad totally made the conversation about himself and his new "family." I don't really care. Now it seems I have a therapist. Yippy.

I can't wait to die.

From,

A Lie

I can't believe this. This fucking bitch just inadvertantly told me to shut up. "Have you ever head of silent reading?" Hell yeah I heard of it bitch. Have you ever heard of lowering your fucking voice in the morning? Some people actually need to get as much sleep as they can. Oh I'm freaking brewing right now. After she just asked me like two minutes ago to get something for her because she couldn't reach.

I can't fucking stand it here. I really can't.  And damnit I just cried. I don't want to cry.

I looked in the mirror and I practically laughed. I've seen what a broken person looks like but I would have never thought I'd look like that. Ah I'm trash.

Someone please save me....

~Death~